Desperate times do call for desperate measures and your first months after a death definitely fall into the category of desperate times. Many people find that they feel much worse than they would ever have thought possible: exhausted and barely coping. The last thing you need to have happen is to compound the grieving process with health problems brought on or made worse by not looking after yourself well. If you’ve been a caregiver during a long illness, it’s likely you’ve already neglected some of your own needs. The trouble is, when you barely feel like getting out of bed to face the day, you don’t have the energy or motivation to ask much of yourself. Also, the first months can be so bleak that you don’t feel much better, even when you do make positive efforts, but that’s why you need to consciously keep trying with the good habits. Grieving is a long taxing process. On your dark days, though, it’s okay to just get through that day and congratulate yourself for the strength it took. The goal in early months is absolutely basic: to somehow survive until some months have passed and your soul begins to glimpse a little daylight. What do I mean by “positives?” It’s the standard list of things we all think of for self-care. It’s diet, exercise, sleep, medical and dental checkups, socializing, challenges, support, treats, projects, hobbies. The list of ideas to improve our physical, emotional, and psychological health goes on and on. Here I’ll speak about two areas that I feel are so important: exercise and emotional support.
I think that exercise is the number one way to improve a day, especially on those bleak days, which can be constant in the early months. When Nick passed away (1989), I had small kids at home, so I was busy and didn’t have to worry about lack of activity. This time, however, I’ve been left in the family home alone and have had to push myself to do the right things. My kids and stepkids all live elsewhere and COVID has stolen so many options for getting out or inviting others in. When I speak of exercise, I don’t mean a tough workout. We all have a different fitness level, possibly health problems, and a favourite way to exercise. This may not be the time to develop a new favourite and you may definitely not be in the mood to go to classes to learn a new activity, so it may be best to fall back on what you know works for you. What I tried to do and still try to do, is to make sure I get out of the house often for a walk. In the first weeks after Alan passed away (2019), my neighbours were used to seeing me in my pyjamas retrieving the garbage cans in mid afternoon! What can I say? I may not have needed to go anywhere specific that day and I was so very low. Leaving the house forces you to make yourself presentable and the walk gives you fresh air, Vitamin D, and a spiritual boost. Trees are known to have power to calm, heal, and share the wisdom of the ages, so if you have any access to a green area and maybe a bench, you can sit and just breathe for a bit. Even on rainy days, getting a little wet rewards you with some fresh air. In the early days, I didn’t want to walk with anyone but sometimes I would meet someone en route and have a little chat. Deep breathing is easy to do; I learned how through yoga study. You need to be sitting up fairly straight or laying flat. Ideally you breathe through your nose (if it isn’t plugged), inhaling deeply down into the abdomen area, not puffing the chest, then exhale as slowly as you can. Even sitting out on your patio for a few minutes, with coat or blanket if necessary, and focussing on your breathing, is helpful. Maybe you’re a gardener, which is super, so you can get outside, choke the life out of a few weeds, and be close to nature. Any form of exercise, inside or outdoors, will pay dividends in the long run.
Another very important way to promote healing is emotional support. When speaking about grief, does time heal? I would say yes and no- wouldn’t I make a good politician! The sorrow you may feel in early days won’t be as intense in a few months or a year or in years following. I know that based on my experience. Time brings partial healing on its own but time is much better partnered with some help with sorting out your feelings and having those feelings validated. Even if you internalize your grief, it will come festering out along the line anyway, sometimes in destructive ways. There are various ways to share or express your feelings, depending on your personality and what you’re comfortable doing. Healing can come through talking, listening, reading, and writing. Here are some ideas:
- Speaking candidly to a good friend or therapist or speaking and listening in a support group. If you belong to a religious group, possibly someone at your church can speak with you. If you’re working and have a benefit package at your job, there’s usually some provision for counselling free of charge.
- Reading articles about loss or listening to videos or podcasts, keeping in mind that if something you read or listen to doesn’t make sense to you, then select another article. There’s a lot of superficial, unhelpful information on the internet and in print, along with the excellent articles.
- If you’re a person who will write, journaling is a powerful tool. Write or type a free flow of how you’re feeling at that moment; let your feelings out. A journal is a helpful way to see measurable progress as the months pass, when you notice little progress day to day. You look back in your writing and realize that you were much more a mess then than you are now! This is useful; progress can be hard to spot in the first months. My most successful writing was and is still done in a little notebook at the end of the day. I write the date, weather, and a couple of the day’s happenings, so that I distinguish the day from all the other sad days that blend into each other. What I write that’s most important is a few things that went well that day. For example, I may have completed a project at work, talked to a friend, got on the treadmill, or made a good dinner for the family. This writing is quick to do and encourages me to end the day in a hopeful way.
Bereavement is a marathon, not a sprint. Persevere with activities that will benefit you in the long run and be gentle with yourself when you falter. Force yourself to pay attention to self-care, not for now when you’re barely coping, but for the future.
Twice A Widow 