The Minefield

                                            

In the first weeks and months after your partner’s death, your life can feel like treading through a minefield.  The grief “triggers” are everywhere: in your home, neighbourhood, town or city.  All five senses bring back vivid memories and emotions can flood to the surface: the sight of a a piece of art that you chose together, the sound of a special piece of music, the smell of someone grilling on their barbecue, the taste of popcorn with lots of butter, the fabric of an old hoodie your partner used to wear.  The list is endless and you may feel like you have no “safe” place to be. As a newly bereaved person, you may find this hard to believe but your sensitivity to triggers that are intolerable at first will slowly diminish as months pass. 

One of the huge triggers in the first months is facing your partner’s personal possessions and finding a way to tidy these up.  I think it’s important to understand that it’s up to you when you tackle these jobs.  Other people may put pressure on you to sort, donate, or throw away items and may even say that you will feel better when it’s done.  This is not true-you’ll feel better when a chunk of time has passed and you’ve made progress with processing your husband’s death, not when you’ve thrown out a pile of worn shirts. You may want to ask a family member or friend to help you when you’re ready to do a large “sort and donate,” to make the job go faster (and possibly pour the wine!)   Everyone’s different but what I did both times was in the first  week I disposed of personal care items and clothing that I had to see whenever I opened the closet and I left other possessions till later.  Be merciful to yourself regarding items around your home which are in plain view.  You may wish to put some photos or decorative items away for awhile and possibly add a few fresh purchases to cheer yourself up a little. You might also rearrange furniture or do a bit of painting if a new look might help.   As I mentioned in a previous article, you may want to be cautious about selling or giving away special items in the first few months. They may make you feel very emotional now but later you might wish you’d kept them. As the months pass, you may want to think about a diplomatic way to handle valuable items such as sports or hobby equipment, tools or jewelry, if you don’t want to keep them.  These do belong to you now and you don’t need to part with them. However, if you have kids or other close family members who might be interested in having items that you’d like to dispose of, you might want to ask your group if anyone is interested in having an item. Deciding as a group how to sell/distribute possessions in a fair way can avoid hurt feelings. 

Your home is definitely a minefield in the first months. Why do I believe it’s better to keep your home or condo for a while if you own it rather than to sell it in the first year? Sometimes a bereaved person has to move for financial, health, or other reasons. When Nick passed away (1989), I did need to move to use the proceeds from the sale of our property, which had a life-insured mortgage, to pay off some debt. It was early days and of course I didn’t have a plan for my future. I moved my family twice in the next two years, uprooting my school age kids. The moving plus bereavement was hard on everyone but I had no choice.  In the first months, grief accompanies you wherever you go, unfortunately, and selling real estate and relocating is expensive. You don’t want to make poor financial moves because you’re upset and not thinking clearly.  If you have adult kids or friends who live in another town or city, it’s a great idea to get away from home for a bit and visit or even rent a little spot close to them, if you can afford that. Don’t stay home endlessly if you don’t want to, just be cautious about a permanent move. In the past months, COVID has restricted travel and that isolation has been very hard on those who live alone, including bereaved people.  If you’re thinking of selling your home and moving closer to family or friends, be aware that those you’re moving to be close to may themselves relocate. It was humorous that, this time, people would say that I ought to be “down-sizing” from the family home, as if one person should only be entitled to a certain square footage.  My answer was that I’d just close some bedroom doors and would move later if I chose!

In the minefield, special days such as family birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries can be miserable triggers. There’s no real help to get you through these tough days; you just endure them and know that, over time, they won’t distress you to the same degree.  The first Thanksgiving after Nick passed away (1989), I couldn’t face any celebrating, so I took my kids on a little shopping trip and we had pizza and ice cream.  Sometimes you can make choices to minimize, say no thanks to holiday plans, or make a new plan but other times you need to go along with plans and cope the best you can. If you do decide to opt out of a special event, remember that there will be other years to celebrate when your soul feels lighter. The old saying that it takes “a full turn of the calendar” to get over a death is optimistic and false for many people. A year is only one set of special days and, in fact, these days may remain difficult for you indefinitely.

I have no great wisdom to offer, just weather as best you can the bleak months when your life does feel like a minefield, with memories assaulting you from every angle. A future is waiting for you, with new people and plans and adventures. You’ll move ahead into that future in your own time.