There are so many ways that we communicate with each other: in person, by phone, by text, by e-mail or conventional mail, and through social media. As a newly bereaved person, you may want to be self-protective in handling the visits or messages that come your way. At first, you may have family with you to divert calls or take a message but later you may be alone. Of course, COVID has put an end to most of the in-person visiting. From my own experience, my moods varied in the first months as to whether I felt up to talking to anyone, including my kids or other close family members. Often I didn’t want to speak to or text with friends, or maybe I did want to talk to a friend about grieving, or maybe I didn’t mind a quick hello with someone but didn’t want to speak about death or grieving. Receiving messages, texts, or a note by mail is best so that you can reply when you feel up to it. You want to be the one who controls the timing, length, and subject of conversations. If you do arrange a time to get together with a family member or friend, you may wish to keep it brief- maybe coffee or a burger or a walk? Take your own car to events if you can, so you can leave when you want. This is especially important if you agree to attend a longer event, such as a wedding; you can then make your excuses and escape. Being worn out already, you may find socializing very tiring. Even if you made a time to get together with someone, you’re more than entitled to postpone or change the activity. Don’t get trapped into socializing that you’re not ready for or comfortable with. It’s a good idea to get out with people as often as you can; even if your spirits are poor, you may feel lighter afterwards.
It’s best to be prepared for a variety of things when you first run into people after your partner has passed away. Both times as a new widow, my first encounters took place at the local grocery store. That was because the grocery store was about the only public place I went for the first few months. Generally I didn’t want to speak with anyone in the store and running into someone I knew threatened to spoil whatever peace I had that day. Shopping was full of “triggers” for me, as was almost everything at first. I would find myself automatically reaching to choose items that my spouse had liked. Depending on how well I knew the person who appeared on my radar, questions that came to my mind were whether the person knew about the death, whether he or she was actually going to say something or duck around the next aisle to avoid me, and what might be said if a conversation were initiated. I think we’re all uncomfortable around death and grieving and are unsure about what’s appropriate to say, so I do think we need to forgive odd comments. I felt that most people had kind intentions, even though their words came in a blundering way. The exception was a few overly curious acquaintances, who regarded me as a driver would when slowing down to look at a car accident. It felt ghoulish, not caring.
The most frequent question I was asked was, “How are you doing?” My honest answer at first would have been, “I feel horrible and don’t think I’m going to get through this at all.” In a dark humour kind of way, it might have been fun to say that! How do people think you’re doing? It would have been better to have said something like, “I was so sorry to hear, hope you’re doing okay. Call or text if there’s anything I can do or if you feel like talking.” Those first months have passed for me now (twice) but I did finally figure out a stock response for casual encounters. I would say something like, “Thanks for your concern. I’m managing along all right under the circumstances. What’s new with you and how’s the family?” What that did was acknowledge the person’s kind thoughts then avoid more bereavement questions by changing the subject. If the conversation was continuing too long, I might make the excuse that I was running late and better say bye for now. No spilling my heart out beside the broccoli!
After a death, family members and friends that you thought would keep in close touch may not do that, particularly after the first three or four months. A cynical old saying is that grief lasts longer than sympathy and it’s true. Some people do disappoint you and step out of your life, which is hurtful, but others step forward and surprise you with their support. Your group of acquaintances and friends changes. Family members and friends are busy and have problems of their own; also, they’re sometimes not certain if you’d like to hear from them or would rather not hear from them yet. When your husband has passed away, you’re immediately a different person in a new situation. You need to be the one to take the initiative and rebuild your social life. It seems strange to me, that the tired, sad person has to take the lead but it’s a fact. Sometimes I would feel sorry for myself, thinking that friends had deserted me, but I found consistently that if I did call a friend, he or she would be glad to hear from me. We’d have a pleasant chat or arrange to get together. The upside to being in a new social situation is that you can, over time, make some decisions about which relationships you’d like to nurture and which you’re no longer as interested in. It often happens that with couples’ socializing, the real friendship was between two of the people, not all four.
As to romantic relationships, some come along quickly and work out well and others don’t. When you’re lonely and vulnerable, it’s tempting to want a new person in your life. I’ve felt that way for sure. If you’re left with young children or adult kids, a new relationship can be more difficult. When the deceased partner has been a long term dementia patient, a romance may have already developed before the partner has physically passed away. I understand why; the surviving caregiver/partner has had a long sad journey. After Nick passed away (1989), I dabbled in a little dating but found I wasn’t ready. I already had enough on my plate with a job and kids to bring up. It wasn’t until my friend Alan re-entered my life years later that I saw the possibility of a second marriage and blending a family. I’m so thankful that we got the chance for a new life together.
As time passes, grief does edit your Contacts List! Eventually you’ll make a new life with many of the same people in your circle, possibly in a more or less prominent role, a few left as part of your past, and some new people too, as part of your future.
Twice A Widow 