Like many couples in our thirties, Nick and I were working on building a life, not worrying about the end of a life. Who’s prepared for the unthinkable to happen- the accidental death of a 38 year old husband (1989)? We had recently invested in a house and piece of property and Nick had begun his own business. I’d resigned from teaching and was planning on being a stay-at-home mom for a few years. Of course, there’s no optimal time for a death but people can be caught when their finances are in a state of flux, not well organized.
The first months after Nick passed away were so difficult, partly due to the shock and sadness of a sudden death and partly because of tangled finances that had to be sorted through. The end result, however, wasn’t as terrible as I had expected. A saving grace was that our new acreage did have life insurance on its mortgage. My first trip to the bank was a huge relief, realizing that we had indeed checked the box for life insurance. With family help, I was able to sell the property and our construction equipment. Nick had worked enough years in the trades to allow us full Canada Pension Plan Survivor Benefit, which gave us a partial income per month. That was a plus and allowed me to return to teaching on a half-time basis, rather than full-time. Some life insurance would been incredibly helpful, as it pays out fairly quickly and gives cash to help move the family forward, but we were caught unawares and had none. The fact that Nick had no will wasn’t terribly critical, since we had lots of liabilities vs. assets. Nick’s parents wanted a large funeral service and it was important to them; it was something I could do for them to give a small measure of comfort. They paid for most of the funeral; I had little money to contribute, except for the $3,000 CPP Death Benefit.
When Alan passed away (2019), we were older and financially comfortable. Alan was 73 and I was 65 at that time. We both had a Power of Attorney and a will. Unfortunately, a large chunk of our retirement money had been depleted for care and support services during Alan’s final years. An unforeseen expensive time later in life, when a couple has a fixed income rather than many earning years ahead, is very difficult. The remaining spouse is left with less money to live on than was anticipated. There was to be no service and Alan wished to be cremated. I’m not a fan of funerals or “celebration of life” get-togethers but some people find them comforting. Two of our kids were named as joint executors for Alan’s estate, which is what we both wanted. We felt that naming one child from each side of our blended family would give transparency and fairness. Divisiveness often occurs with siblings when a parent passes away and, when there are stepsiblings as well, disposition of assets can cause hard feelings. Alan’s will turned out to be more complicated to set up and administer than he would have intended and I was unhappy with part of what was written. I wish I would have read his will more thoroughly and taken it to a lawyer for advice. I should have asked Alan to make some changes but I really didn’t think he was going to actually leave us, in spite of serious illness. I was exhausted and didn’t focus on that will. I’ve had to live with the consequences and there have been harsh words with one of my stepsons. He and I aren’t on speaking terms and are unlikely to mend that fence. I thought I had fostered a kind atmosphere as stepmother and was unpleasantly surprised by my stepson’s poor behaviour. I had raised that boy from the age of seven. Try to be clear about what a will specifies if you have that chance. Emotions run high after a spouse/parent passes away and you may have to face negativity which you weren’t expecting.
A few thoughts for you if you’re left in financial disarray:
- Take a breath. In fact, take a bunch of them! It will be months, even a year or two, for an estate to grind its way through the system. Focus on your own survival and just pay what needs to be paid now. You’ll make better decisions as time marches on. Banks are used to estate work and are usually decent about waiting for monies to reshuffle. Think about getting accounting or financial advice if that might help.
- Many of us are left alone in the family home, with loneliness and memories. Try to stay put for at least a year, unless you need to move for financial reasons, as I did after Nick’s death (1989). In my experience, grief comes along with you if you move and you may as well put in those first months in your own home. What I did this time was put away the photos and objects that bothered me most, tidy up Alan’s personal items a little at a time, and buy a few small new accessories to change the look of the house a bit. I’m still living in our family home nearly two years after Alan’s passing (2019) and have no long range plan yet. Be cautious about giving away or selling possessions (you may want them later when they don’t upset you so much) or fleeing your home or the town entirely (you might want to do that later but may regret a hasty decision.)
- Newly bereaved people can have odd, fanciful notions and be careful about making big decisions or permanent decisions. Grief can leave you feeling “as crazy as you can be and still be at large.” Unless your family is very well off, best to delay spending large sums of money until you’re done with the legal, accounting, and tax expenses. A neighbour of mine, widowed in her fifties, lent her son and daughter-in-law $200,000 for their business start up. She thought she could easily afford it but, in fact, felt her own finances stretched until that loan was repaid. The fanciful notions can include a new relationship; be careful that you are not just trying to fill a huge void. If a new person enters your life shortly after the death of your spouse, it can be a super thing but be careful about joining finances or selling properties. You may find that later you didn’t want to do that at all.
It’s definitely a double burden to lose a partner and also have money problems. Manage along the best you can, try to keep your wits about you, and avoid doing anything rash. The end result may not be nearly as bad as your worried mind had feared. Be sure to make or redo your own Power of Attorney and will!
Twice A Widow 