I’m a teacher, a mother, stepmother, and grandmother. My name is Debbie and I live in Port Alberni, a medium-sized town in the middle of Vancouver Island, a pretty place. This blog is dedicated to my kids, stepkids, and their families. They lost parents, stepparents, grandparents when I lost husbands.
As we all know, luck is unevenly divided. I’ve been lucky in many ways but not with the death of husbands. My first husband Nick was killed in a work accident when he was 38. I was 35 and had a teenager and two young children in the family. I was left shocked and numb, with little money and substantial business debts. A few years later, I married a widower and added two stepchildren to my family. My second husband Alan died a year and eight months ago at age 73, following 5 years of deteriorating health and, finally, kidney failure. I’ve had to endure two types of spousal death: the stunning immediate death and the chronic illness resulting in death. I was the primary caregiver for my second husband and he had a Medically Assisted Death. So here I am at age 66, financially stable this time but with the deep sorrow of losing a husband again. It’s been harder for me than the first time, with COVID 19 and variants as part of the mix. I have no young kids to build a routine around and to propel me forward. As well, new death can open old wounds.
Quite simply, I’m writing these brief articles to try to help someone, even a little. There is no money or advertising involved. If you might find a bit of hope or comfort or validation of what you’ve been feeling after reading some thoughts here, then that would be a good thing for me. This isn’t an academic blog but I can reference anything I’ve read and included here. Since I’ve been a widow for 31 years, other bereaved people that I’ve met along the way do share their experiences with me, a great source of truthful information. I’ll sometimes speak specifically about the death of a husband because that’s what I’ve had to face but, if you’ve had a different death to deal with, you may still find something that speaks to your situation. It’s a given that this blog is gender/culture/age friendly. Grief doesn’t discriminate because of your gender identity, who you love, whether you’re religious or not, where your people came from, how old you are, whether you’re wealthy or strapped for cash, and so on. Grief is cruel to everyone. I send condolences to those who have lost loved ones to COVID 19 these past months.
Bereaved people are survivors. I wish us all the strength to weather the first tough months and years, some peace as time passes, and new plans and joys later still. I’m hoping to add a new article each week, until I can’t think of anything else useful to say or I win the lottery and run away to the tropics, to sit on the beach and drink rum punch under a palm tree!
*Written in summer 2020, last edited in autumn 2024.
Twice A Widow 