When your partner passes away, you face the devastating fact that the entire structure of your life is gone. I’m assuming the relationship has been a decent one (not perfect, no marriage is perfect!). You lose whatever your relationship consisted of, which varies from couple to couple. You might be losing a friend, companion, lover, person who managed some of the jobs, your escort to social occasions, and your travel companion. Gone is the person who remembered the funny and sad stories: when the new roof was put on, where you might have left your glasses, what mischief the kids were up to at some party years ago, and so on. All that shared history and intimacy is gone. You lose the witness to your life. If your husband had been a prominent person, you may lose social status and, depending on a will or the lack of one, you may lose part of your income.
Couples’ socializing is permanently changed; you’re no longer part of a couple. A dinner invitation may become coffee or lunch with the wife or you may find a social group moving along without inviting you. Some family relationships or friendships don’t survive or they fade, particularly if the glue holding that relationship together was your partner. Happily, you may find that family members do stick together and that new friendships begin to come your way. When Nick died and I was a young widow, I sometimes felt that I’d become somewhat of a threat- a single woman possibly interested in others’ husbands. Truly, I wasn’t interested in the men those women had married, no thanks!
Particularly with a partner who’s been unwell for a long time at home or in care, your schedule clears immediately and your workload drops to nearly nothing. You lose many of the chores you did to fill the day. However, both times the negative parts of the relationship were as nothing to me when stacked against the finality of death; both times I would gladly have had it all back to have the person back.
When you lose your spouse, you lose your past, present, and future. Naturally, you had a past before the relationship began and you still have that but after a long marriage, it certainly seems that much of your past is gone. Other couples are packing for a camping trip or renovating their kitchen, having a barbecue with their family, or taking a walk around the neighbourhood. You no longer have your partner to do things with now or to plan a future with. Both times as a widow, I’ve frequently felt resentful and angry when I’d see couples together. I felt sorry for myself and didn’t think I deserved to be alone. I don’t believe that these bitter feelings of being cheated will ever entirely leave me, however long I have to get used to being alone.
The death of your partner is a crushing loss.
If not for you
Babe, I couldn’t find the door
Couldn’t even see the floor
I’d be sad and blue
If not for you
If not for you
Babe, I’d lay awake all night
Wait for the mornin’ light
To shine in through
But it would not be new
If not for you
Bob Dylan, If Not For You
Twice A Widow 