Newly bereaved people often doubt that they’ll survive. At first it can feel like the death of your loved one will end your life too. That’s how wretched you may feel, too much pain. How do I know you’ll make it through? I know because I’ve done it twice and I’m just a regular person, not Super Woman, unfortunately. Somehow, like me, you’ll summon up strength and perseverance you didn’t know you had. A month or so after Nick’s death (1989), I was so very low; I had children who’d just lost their father and about whom I was incredibly worried, business debts and little money, and I’d resigned my teaching position to be a stay-at-home mom for a few years. I’ve always been fortunate to have supportive people in my extended family and some close friends too but no one lived nearby. We’d moved to a large property out of town, an excellent place to make a future with your husband but a lonely, isolated place with an overwhelming number of uncompleted projects if you’ve been left alone. I didn’t think I was going to make it.
A letter came from a woman I knew whose teenage son had been killed in a car accident a few years prior. She said it was going to be very tough but I’d get through it, because she had. I hadn’t spoken yet to anyone who’d experienced the death of a young family member. This was, of course, before the internet had come along; a person relied on library books or counselling materials or just stumbled along. There were no support groups close and I wouldn’t have had the energy to go anyway. I knew zero widows who were 35 years old! That letter meant so much to me; she had been through the death of her young son and for the first time I entertained the glimmer of a possibility that I might not collapse and turn to dust after all. The woman has passed away now but I’m paying her words forward to you.
That said, you’ll carry your grief with you forever. The instant your loved one dies, you step through a door that snaps shut behind you and has no handle on the other side. You no longer belong to the group of people who are still leading their regular lives with the usual range of ups and downs. You can never go back and it may take considerable time to find a “new normal”. There’s no timeline for grieving and no closure. Over months and years, grief softens in fits and starts, with better times and backsliding. The dismal mood even leaves you alone for brief periods and you may feel lighthearted for a bit. Enjoy these times and don’t feel guilty about them! Eventually, you’ll begin to see a future for yourself, the possibility of new chapters in your life. I’m sounding harsh and depressing but I want to tell the truth. Bereaved people need to hear the truth so they know what they’re up against- it’s not helpful to sugar coat or minimize the impact of death. Of course, my truth won’t be the same as your truth but there will be similarities. We bring our unique personalities and life experiences to a death situation and manage the best we can in our own way.
Is there an upside to grief? It would be ridiculous to suggest that something could counterbalance that much pain. The old saying is that suffering builds character and I’ve found myself asking how much character a person really needs! All the misery, however, can leave you with a new wisdom and a deep empathy. When you hear of others’ tragedies, you understand in your soul what that’s about. You emerge a different person, with new scars and vulnerabilities. You emerge a better person.
“Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.” Elizabeth I
Twice A Widow 